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It is Well

 




There was a time it was not well.

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In the Dark and Finding the Light

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt. 
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I Never Thought

I never thought I would be here. In a place where time seems to stand still and yet at time runs forward without me. A place where the understanding is not mine to know. I acknowledge this place, but I don't know how to accept it, still. The irony is the ability to let go and allow time to heal my wounds but yet I am locked up and frozen in parallel. Where acceptance is the mode of transportation to a future, I have dreamed about. A future I don't know where leads. And somehow it frightens me because of the fear I've lived with. A fear of everything with me and a fear without. I have lived with nothing but fear for so many years. I do not know of anything. If there is a means or a way to acceptance it has steered me off course for so long that conveying would be to reach within to a deep and dark place I do not want to face. It's defined by standards we have set of ignorance. It's defined by loneliness. It's a space set well apart from anything we have come to k...
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My Middle Years and Turning Away

    I slowly and eventually turned from God. The pattern of my life grew ill, dim and filled with sorrow. I think depression set in. My spiritual walk was no more. I turned but Christ held on. One day I rebelled and walked away for good. One broken heart after the next began. I had been baptized at the age of 12 but due to the rape and my parent's divorce my life became a blur. There was a null and devoid feeling after that. Things slowly spun out of control. It wasn't until many years later I turned back to God. I turned to Him to listen...once again.    But first, one of the things that helped me get through was my passion to help and serve others. I wasn't volunteering just yet, but I had to give up on my dream to become a psychologist and attend college. I decided in high school to pursue a study in Dental and Medical Assisting. I loved and enjoyed this program but yet I was feeling lost. I don't remember much about my high school years but this program and how w...
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Lack of Sleep

This is just three nights with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type, Diabetes and Sleep Apnea. These are the notes in my calendar on my smartphone.  💤 Monday, April 17th 2 am Feeling saddened, feeling scared and nervous. Emotionally doing better. Not crying so much. Feeling sooo worried about my side effects. Having weird dreams*. My 3rd week with Vraylar. MUCH muscle and joint stiffness and soreness* and headache*. This tears me up inside. *keeping me awake. I am in the process of changing my anti-psychotic medication. One with less harmful side effects. I am also soon starting a new medication for sugar diabetes. A once a week injection for practical purposes to eliminate so many diabetic medications. I know I must lose weight and eat healthier. I know I must. If I just could. If I could. 💤 Friday, March 10th 9:00 am These are the notes in my calender on my smartphone once again. I am feeling over-whelmed and insecure. My faith is wavering. I feel defeated. All due to health...
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Another Night

    It's another night. Lack of sleep. While wiping tears and searching fears. Trying my best to navigate a new beginning each day. I know without promise time stands against change. We condition ourselves with little meaning only to arrive at an intersection of hope and despair. Climbing escapades and downward spirals...opening...closing...to shut again.     Schizophrenia. An illness forcing me into hiding. Where people don't understand and can't accept. If we cannot receive and help one another where does our help come from? Biblically I know. But if we cannot talk or share openly about mental illness then that means I have to hide. I go into hiding. We are all hiding. Which way do you want it? Tell me. Because I need to know. It destroys me to not be able to express myself about my moods, my tears, my fears, my symptoms and all the despair. It all comes across depressing. Yet, if we talk about cancer or diabetes we listen. We try to gain knowledge and understandi...
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