Another Night

It's another night. Lack of sleep. While wiping tears and searching fears. Trying my best to navigate a new beginning each day. I know without promise time stands against change. We condition ourselves with little meaning only to arrive at an intersection of hope and despair. Climbing escapades and downward spirals...opening...closing...to shut again.

Schizophrenia. An illness forcing me into hiding. Where people don't understand and can't accept. If we cannot receive and help one another where does our help come from? Biblically I know. But if we cannot talk or share openly about mental illness then that means I have to hide. I go into hiding. We are all hiding. Which way do you want it? Tell me. Because I need to know. It destroys me to not be able to express myself about my moods, my tears, my fears, my symptoms and all the despair. It all comes across depressing. Yet, if we talk about cancer or diabetes we listen. We try to gain knowledge and understanding. We try. I feel like I get turned the other cheek. Sometimes people roll their eyes. Others cower away while more simply ignore. Some scream and holler. Other's call the cops. This is all unacceptable. Help me. Help me make a difference. So many factors come into play I understand this, but do we continue to just send our loved ones to hospitals and counselors, or do we try to help? Do we even try to really listen? What does it mean to listen? To really hear?

I think for me when I feel heard it makes me feel a dynamic of accomplishment, like I matter and am important. It brings me vitality and life. It does not take dominion over me. This does not always mean we are in agreement but hopefully we can walk away with respect. If we walk away together this is even better.

I need to pour my heart out, but I don't know what lies on my heart. I can't feel what is there. Sometimes I feel dull and numb.

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My Prayer

Dear God, I know that I am not always present with you and sometimes not very available...especially lately. But I believe you know what is on my heart. I don't always know what to say and it gets all awkward at times. I guess what I'd like to say is I get so tired of all the suffering and not only for me. This goes way beyond me. I hate what I see in this world. The disparaging remarks upon one another, the violence, the hate and the times we don't take to understand. I know I cannot expect perfection in this life. Quite frankly I don't know how I would respond to it. It would be so out of the norm of what I am used to. But I am hoping you are listening right this moment and I 'd like to ask for your intervention. Intervention on our behalf. To shed your light and your ways upon the lives you seek and on the lives of those who follow. I think sometimes we try so hard, but our brokenness gets in the way. We are not always so resilient. We fall. We make mistakes....

Obstacles

I am sitting here in the dark at my desk by the light of my lamp wondering and thinking about my path. My path with mental illness and in particular the obstacles I have experienced. Mental Illness is so difficult. It's difficult to grasp. It's difficult to understand and mostly it's difficult to live with. I wish I could sum it up quickly, shortly and with a depth of knowledge and understanding with simplicity. I like simplicity. That's my approach toward my appreciation of life. Simple things seem so rare. We live in such a devastated world and climate. Simplicity is the cornerstone to chaos. It provides an anchor or spectrum in which we can navigate the course. I like the simple things I find in nature like listening to the birds as they sing as I grow in curiosity of their message. I like watching them hunt and gather twigs and grasses they use to build their homes. I enjoy the rebirth of life after a winter's lull. I enjoy cool tiles beneath my feet on a ho...

In the Dark and Finding the Light

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt.

Both Sides Now

Both Sides Now Rows and throws of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere Looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun They rain and they snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way that you feel As every fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way But now it's just another show And you leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Don't give yourself away I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take and still somehow It's love's illusions that I recall I really don't know love Really don't know love at all Tears and fears and feeling proud To say, "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crow...

Open the Door

Open the door for Christ.

A Journey Through the Mind of Schizophrenia

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