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No Turning Back

 



No Turning Back by Brandon Heath

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In the Dark and Finding the Light

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt. 
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In the Thick(et) of Schizophrenia and Bipolar

    Years ago, I lived in a tiny one-bedroom basement apartment. It was situated off a very busy road and it was a hidden gem. I loved it not so much for the charm of the apartment which needed some updates but because of its backyard view! Just outside my double glass doors lied an oasis, a haven and a slice of the Garden of Eden as I imagine it to be. The 3-apartment house was surrounded by the top yard. It's what lied below that caught my breath. The bottom yard was scattered with old growth trees of different and varied evergreen and shady deciduous types. When I walked out my doors, I first came to a rather steep and long hill covered in pachysandra with a winding path of steps made from stone leading to the bottom grassy yard where a large frog pond lay. Beyond the pond was a shallow creek running the length of the yard and on toward the neighboring farm. The creek was filled with beautiful rocks and stones allowing the water to trickle through making music to the ear. B...
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I Never Thought

I never thought I would be here. In a place where time seems to stand still and yet at time runs forward without me. A place where the understanding is not mine to know. I acknowledge this place, but I don't know how to accept it, still. The irony is the ability to let go and allow time to heal my wounds but yet I am locked up and frozen in parallel. Where acceptance is the mode of transportation to a future, I have dreamed about. A future I don't know where leads. And somehow it frightens me because of the fear I've lived with. A fear of everything with me and a fear without. I have lived with nothing but fear for so many years. I do not know of anything. If there is a means or a way to acceptance it has steered me off course for so long that conveying would be to reach within to a deep and dark place I do not want to face. It's defined by standards we have set of ignorance. It's defined by loneliness. It's a space set well apart from anything we have come to k...
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Lack of Sleep

This is just three nights with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type, Diabetes and Sleep Apnea. These are the notes in my calendar on my smartphone.  💤 Monday, April 17th 2 am Feeling saddened, feeling scared and nervous. Emotionally doing better. Not crying so much. Feeling sooo worried about my side effects. Having weird dreams*. My 3rd week with Vraylar. MUCH muscle and joint stiffness and soreness* and headache*. This tears me up inside. *keeping me awake. I am in the process of changing my anti-psychotic medication. One with less harmful side effects. I am also soon starting a new medication for sugar diabetes. A once a week injection for practical purposes to eliminate so many diabetic medications. I know I must lose weight and eat healthier. I know I must. If I just could. If I could. 💤 Friday, March 10th 9:00 am These are the notes in my calender on my smartphone once again. I am feeling over-whelmed and insecure. My faith is wavering. I feel defeated. All due to health...
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It is Well

  There was a time it was not well.
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