I Never Thought

I never thought I would be here. In a place where time seems to stand still and yet at time runs forward without me. A place where the understanding is not mine to know. I acknowledge this place, but I don't know how to accept it, still. The irony is the ability to let go and allow time to heal my wounds but yet I am locked up and frozen in parallel. Where acceptance is the mode of transportation to a future, I have dreamed about. A future I don't know where leads. And somehow it frightens me because of the fear I've lived with. A fear of everything with me and a fear without. I have lived with nothing but fear for so many years. I do not know of anything. If there is a means or a way to acceptance it has steered me off course for so long that conveying would be to reach within to a deep and dark place I do not want to face. It's defined by standards we have set of ignorance. It's defined by loneliness. It's a space set well apart from anything we have come to know. I don't know how to reach within. I don't even know where darkness lies. I only know it's there. God, when have I had enough? When is it enough? What's enough. Why am I kept here. The dark spaces are not in my experiences. I have come to forgive and am choosing to forget. My deep, dark places in my mind I cannot reach. My spirit is damaged. Have I been forsaken? Have I been forgotten? This is dead on accurate, yet I reach somewhere for kindness, for gratefulness. For appreciation because I have been told. I have fallen in a pit of despair where I have lived in a vacuum. I can only rely on myself for revival. No one will save me. No one will rescue me. I alone must find my way out.

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Both Sides Now

Both Sides Now Rows and throws of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere Looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun They rain and they snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way that you feel As every fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way But now it's just another show And you leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Don't give yourself away I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take and still somehow It's love's illusions that I recall I really don't know love Really don't know love at all Tears and fears and feeling proud To say, "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crow...

Another Night

It's another night. Lack of sleep. While wiping tears and searching fears. Trying my best to navigate a new beginning each day. I know without promise time stands against change. We condition ourselves with little meaning only to arrive at an intersection of hope and despair. Climbing escapades and downward spirals...opening...closing...to shut again. Schizophrenia. An illness forcing me into hiding. Where people don't understand and can't accept. If we cannot receive and help one another where does our help come from? Biblically I know. But if we cannot talk or share openly about mental illness then that means I have to hide. I go into hiding. We are all hiding. Which way do you want it? Tell me. Because I need to know. It destroys me to not be able to express myself about my moods, my tears, my fears, my symptoms and all the despair. It all comes across depressing. Yet, if we talk about cancer or diabetes we listen. We try to gain knowledge and understandi...

My Second Hospitalization

This is the post I have been avoiding. The one post that has kept me from writing for months. I didn't quite know what to say or how to say it. I find this post troubling and found myself in denial. Denial I feel yet today... after all these years. I didn't want the following to happen. I denied the following from happening. I wasn't going to allow anything get in the way from allowing me to have the life I so desired. This is the post where I found out I was with child. The child I denied. The child that had no choice. The child and circumstance that brought me to many tears for all these years. The one story that breaks my heart a little bit each day. I pray to God to bring me words. To tell my story and I hear, "you have such a good hand." But, God I say, "do I have a heart?" I die at this thought. I don't want to be callous or appear pretentious. I never wanted any of this to happen. It shouldn't have ever been this way. It wasn...

Carry Me

You know it takes more than prose or a pattern or style of writing to call attention to a very important message. One that many people do not get or much less want to hear. It takes willingness to obey. To obey to someone, we should all be holding dear. This is not my claim to fame. Not at all. Nowhere near it but I will proclaim a truth I hold dear. That's my love for God...for Christ. For a child that resides inside willing to obey yet I don't always get, but I want to share my understanding. I understand one thing the most and that is God's love, but you know what...it's the love he generates inside that is valued most. Because when we find that love inside and within, we share of ourselves. We share our story. God's message can then be proclaimed over all the heavens and the earth. Through us. I find it ironic that here I am with a diagnosis of a mental illness. One that is found unacceptable by many and understood by less. But yet I am willing...more than w...

In the Dark and Finding the Light

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt.

A Journey Through the Mind of Schizophrenia

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