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I Never Thought

I never thought I would be here. In a place where time seems to stand still and yet at time runs forward without me. A place where the understanding is not mine to know. I acknowledge this place, but I don't know how to accept it, still. The irony is the ability to let go and allow time to heal my wounds but yet I am locked up and frozen in parallel. Where acceptance is the mode of transportation to a future, I have dreamed about. A future I don't know where leads. And somehow it frightens me because of the fear I've lived with. A fear of everything with me and a fear without. I have lived with nothing but fear for so many years. I do not know of anything. If there is a means or a way to acceptance it has steered me off course for so long that conveying would be to reach within to a deep and dark place I do not want to face. It's defined by standards we have set of ignorance. It's defined by loneliness. It's a space set well apart from anything we have come to know. I don't know how to reach within. I don't even know where darkness lies. I only know it's there. God, when have I had enough? When is it enough? What's enough. Why am I kept here. The dark spaces are not in my experiences. I have come to forgive and am choosing to forget. My deep, dark places in my mind I cannot reach. My spirit is damaged. Have I been forsaken? Have I been forgotten? This is dead on accurate, yet I reach somewhere for kindness, for gratefulness. For appreciation because I have been told. I have fallen in a pit of despair where I have lived in a vacuum. I can only rely on myself for revival. No one will save me. No one will rescue me. I alone must find my way out.
          

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