Skip to main content

For I Know the Plans I Have for You...


    As a child I experienced something that I hold dear to my heart that very few people know about including my family. My mother was nearby but didn't realize what had happened. I was about the age of 10 years old when I experienced the following. 

   It was Saturday, and it was early spring. I awoke to a very beautiful and sunny morning. After breakfast I felt led to take my Bible and go across the small creek along the boundary of our yard. Coming from a family of 9 we had 2 very large gardens. The gardens were separated by our gardening shed which was nestled in a grove of pine trees and beside a fruit orchard. My mom was already working in the back garden pulling the weeds around the young plants. As I passed my mom working the garden, I remember thinking how excited I was to go across the creek and read my bible. I found the spot where we always entered the creek to play and climbed up to the other side. This was near our treehouse. The creek was shallow with the exception of one spot further downstream. On the other side of the creek was a field which was always planted with corn each year. I noted that the soil had not been tilled yet because the ground was deeply furrowed from the winter snow and ice. As I found a spot in the field to sit, I realized how chilly the air was and decided to run back to the house to grab my spring jacket. After grabbing my jacket and finding a spot to sit on the crest of a hill in the field I finally sat down. After sitting down, I opened my bible when the winds changed. A darkened cloud partially covered the sun, and a wind blew across me. Being unexpected this frightened me. I thought it was going to storm and got up to run to seek shelter. As I began to run to the edge of the field, I suddenly heard a voice! A calming voice coming from the direction of the sky and said, "Stop. Turn around. Sit down and read your bible." By this time the sky had cleared up and the wind stopped. So, I walked back to the spot where I had been sitting and sat down. Obeying the voice, I opened my bible and three words jumped out at me. "Watch my children". Now, as an adult I look back and remembered I had a children's bible. I no longer have that bible and do not know if those words actually existed in the children's bible during that time as a kid. I do not know if those words exist in any adult bibles...anywhere. In my readings I have never come across those exact words. To continue, after reading those three words I closed my bible and walked back to my yard. I crossed the yard to where my mother was still working the garden. As I was passing her, she saw me and asked what I was doing. I told her I was reading my bible. She asked what I had read. I told her it said, "Watch my children." She asked if I knew what that meant? I told her, "Sort of." She simply said, "Good girl." Neither one of us ever questioned it. I continued back to the house and never spoke of it to anyone until I became an adult. I don't know why with the exception of feeling it happened so naturally, so effortlessly and so second natured. I never questioned it until adulthood and wondered exactly what those 3 words meant. To this day I believe in my heart that God spoke to me that day in that field to train me, to test me and to get to know and recognize His voice for the day I would hear multiple voices. God knew I would have schizoaffective disorder and Bipolar. He knew I would hear many voices and sometimes multiple voices at one time. He knew it would be confusing and chaotic and test me to sheer will and strength. He knew I would need a plan and hope for my life. He knew I needed life...and Him. I will never forget that day in the field when God spoke. God is here. He always was and always will. We just need to listen. 

  

Jeremiah 29: 11-14

 11 " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, "declared the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."  NIV

                       

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

In the Dark and Finding the Light

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt. 

Another Night

    It's another night. Lack of sleep. While wiping tears and searching fears. Trying my best to navigate a new beginning each day. I know without promise time stands against change. We condition ourselves with little meaning only to arrive at an intersection of hope and despair. Climbing escapades and downward spirals...opening...closing...to shut again.     Schizophrenia. An illness forcing me into hiding. Where people don't understand and can't accept. If we cannot receive and help one another where does our help come from? Biblically I know. But if we cannot talk or share openly about mental illness then that means I have to hide. I go into hiding. We are all hiding. Which way do you want it? Tell me. Because I need to know. It destroys me to not be able to express myself about my moods, my tears, my fears, my symptoms and all the despair. It all comes across depressing. Yet, if we talk about cancer or diabetes we listen. We try to gain knowledge and understanding. We

In the Thick(et) of Schizophrenia and Bipolar

    Years ago, I lived in a tiny one-bedroom basement apartment. It was situated off a very busy road and it was a hidden gem. I loved it not so much for the charm of the apartment which needed some updates but because of its backyard view! Just outside my double glass doors lied an oasis, a haven and a slice of the Garden of Eden as I imagine it to be. The 3-apartment house was surrounded by the top yard. It's what lied below that caught my breath. The bottom yard was scattered with old growth trees of different and varied evergreen and shady deciduous types. When I walked out my doors, I first came to a rather steep and long hill covered in pachysandra with a winding path of steps made from stone leading to the bottom grassy yard where a large frog pond lay. Beyond the pond was a shallow creek running the length of the yard and on toward the neighboring farm. The creek was filled with beautiful rocks and stones allowing the water to trickle through making music to the ear. Beyond

My First Hospitalization

  So, there I was confronted by family members which by the way, ended up in a shouting match! Ok...maybe this was one-sided...my side. I felt confused, alone and cornered. I didn't understand. I did not tolerate their suggestion very well. After all, I was doing fine or so I thought. I was working full time. I was taking care of my wellness. I was exercising on a regular basis at the gym and running. I was cooking for myself. I was taking care of the home I had created. I was feeling the best I had ever felt. I was fit...physically. But I didn't connect the dots. I didn't see my isolation; I did not see the betrayal of my mind. I didn't see anything wrong with not showing up for work 3 days in a row unaccounted. Later, as I tried to recollect the happenings, I remembered my supervisor calling me and asking me if I was coming to work? I simply said to him, "yes...I'm sitting here waiting to go to work." I still don't clearly know what happened that mor
I never thought I would be here. In a place where time seems to stand still and yet at time runs forward without me. A place where the understanding is not mine to know. I acknowledge this place, but I don't know how to accept it, still. The irony is the ability to let go and allow time to heal my wounds but yet I am locked up and frozen in parallel. Where acceptance is the mode of transportation to a future, I have dreamed about. A future I don't know where leads. And somehow it frightens me because of the fear I've lived with. A fear of everything with me and a fear without. I have lived with nothing but fear for so many years. I do not know of anything. If there is a means or a way to acceptance it has steered me off course for so long that conveying would be to reach within to a deep and dark place I do not want to face. It's defined by standards we have set of ignorance. It's defined by loneliness. It's a space set well apart from anything we have come to k