Years ago, I lived in a tiny one-bedroom basement apartment. It was situated off a very busy road and it was a hidden gem. I loved it not so much for the charm of the apartment which needed some updates but because of its backyard view! Just outside my double glass doors lied an oasis, a haven and a slice of the Garden of Eden as I imagine it to be. The 3-apartment house was surrounded by the top yard. It's what lied below that caught my breath. The bottom yard was scattered with old growth trees of different and varied evergreen and shady deciduous types. When I walked out my doors, I first came to a rather steep and long hill covered in pachysandra with a winding path of steps made from stone leading to the bottom grassy yard where a large frog pond lay. Beyond the pond was a shallow creek running the length of the yard and on toward the neighboring farm. The creek was filled with beautiful rocks and stones allowing the water to trickle through making music to the ear. Beyond the creek was another grassy yard where my landlords nurtured and toiled their garden and shared their bounty. Beyond the garden we were surrounded by farmland as far as the eye could see. It was breath-taking. It was a dream to live there. Beside my apartment there was another hill filled with grasses and thickets of knarled bushes. My landlords kept a wooden standing double swing in the bottom yard where I loved to sit in the shade and take in God's handiwork. My mom had told me stories of how many years prior she had relatives that lived in this same house and how they would sled-ride down the hills as children. My landlords also kept 2 pet goats in a stable near the house. I remember one of their names was Leroy. I would stop and visit them whenever I wandered down to the gardens. We also had a bird sanctuary and drew beautiful birds to the house with a couple of feeders. The sights and sounds of the property were glorious and it was a blessing to live there.
One evening as I sat on the swing in the bottom yard quietly mediating, I noticed a bunny hop out of the pachysandra on the hill. I watched as it made its way further into the yard just steps from where I was sitting. I watched as it nibbled on the lush green grass. Then to my delight I saw another bunny hop out from the pachysandra. These 2 bunnies began chasing and playing in the yard when all of a sudden, a bunch of bunnies hopped from the pachysandra. The babies! I just sat there and laughed as they entertained me with their games.
To get to the point of this story it was while living here that I received my diagnosis during my second hospital stay of Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar type with Depression. The diagnosis blew me away! My thoughts carried me to denial. How could this be. I felt fine. I thought I was functioning. This could not be true. No way! I was frightened. I was scared. I thought...why me? I was 37 years old. That was 23 years ago all the while ignoring my symptoms. One analogy I liken to my mental illness is the thicket of knarled bushes beside my apartment. One day I saw a bunny hop into the thicket. I sat and watched the bunny wondering why it hopped into the thicket and how it was going to hop back out. Now, I know it may have been for protection or perhaps it was in search of food. I can't be certain but for some reason my mind wandered and imagined myself in the thicket and trying to escape. My experience with mania and psychosis was a lot like living in a thicket. I felt trapped. I couldn't find my way out. I was lost and alone. My mind was filled with thickly knarled branches entrapping my mind with no escape route. I couldn't run away this time. Much like not seeing the forest because of the trees I couldn't see the shrub because of the branches. My thinking now all these years later is maybe there was beauty in those branches! Maybe...just maybe there is beauty in Schizophrenia?! Like those branches in my mind twisted and knarled keeping me from freedom. I eventually found hope. I began to see. Like the bunny in those branches and thicket I became the bunny. I was still tender, soft and gentle inside my mind. The thicket hid me. It enveloped me but I knew better. I knew. I knew there would be a day I would find my freedom from those branches.
1 Thessalonians 1:3
We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. NIV
You write so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Marceil. I appreciate your comment and kind words.
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