Subtleties Which...Well...Are Not Always So Subtle

I know my thoughts seem crazy. Some may think out of line. But it's important to remain honest here. To not only keep respectability but to admire one another's progress in the understanding and advocacy of not only mental illness but in also the platform and arena of personal growth and the dominion we have over ourselves and those around us. The lives we touch every day. The influences we take for granted. I know at times it can be a bit over-whelming and sometimes we make a spectacle of things. We have a way of tormenting ourselves. I encourage you to leave a comment here or there to generate thought, to generate perception and bring about a discussion of our understanding and misunderstanding. I am always open to questions and will respond in the very best of way I know and understand. The subtleties and nuances of our lives don't always allow or give us the freedom to express ourselves in a manner in which we want but at times we try to conform to what we think we should. We don't always take the risk or the chance to open ourselves to a new dynamic. We garner ourselves in a rage of war within...which leaves us without. I encourage you to open up, to reveal and step across a line that will lead you on a path of discovery and impart a life of revival. A vitality in which we have deep need. May you always find perspective. May your perspective always lead you to truth. May truth bring you life.

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In the Dark and Finding the Light

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt.

Another Night

It's another night. Lack of sleep. While wiping tears and searching fears. Trying my best to navigate a new beginning each day. I know without promise time stands against change. We condition ourselves with little meaning only to arrive at an intersection of hope and despair. Climbing escapades and downward spirals...opening...closing...to shut again. Schizophrenia. An illness forcing me into hiding. Where people don't understand and can't accept. If we cannot receive and help one another where does our help come from? Biblically I know. But if we cannot talk or share openly about mental illness then that means I have to hide. I go into hiding. We are all hiding. Which way do you want it? Tell me. Because I need to know. It destroys me to not be able to express myself about my moods, my tears, my fears, my symptoms and all the despair. It all comes across depressing. Yet, if we talk about cancer or diabetes we listen. We try to gain knowledge and understandi...

I Never Thought

I never thought I would be here. In a place where time seems to stand still and yet at time runs forward without me. A place where the understanding is not mine to know. I acknowledge this place, but I don't know how to accept it, still. The irony is the ability to let go and allow time to heal my wounds but yet I am locked up and frozen in parallel. Where acceptance is the mode of transportation to a future, I have dreamed about. A future I don't know where leads. And somehow it frightens me because of the fear I've lived with. A fear of everything with me and a fear without. I have lived with nothing but fear for so many years. I do not know of anything. If there is a means or a way to acceptance it has steered me off course for so long that conveying would be to reach within to a deep and dark place I do not want to face. It's defined by standards we have set of ignorance. It's defined by loneliness. It's a space set well apart from anything we have come to k...

It is Well

There was a time it was not well.

Both Sides Now

Both Sides Now Rows and throws of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere Looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun They rain and they snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way that you feel As every fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way But now it's just another show And you leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Don't give yourself away I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take and still somehow It's love's illusions that I recall I really don't know love Really don't know love at all Tears and fears and feeling proud To say, "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crow...

A Journey Through the Mind of Schizophrenia

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