My Middle Years and Turning Away

I slowly and eventually turned from God. The pattern of my life grew ill, dim and filled with sorrow. I think depression set in. My spiritual walk was no more. I turned but Christ held on. One day I rebelled and walked away for good. One broken heart after the next began. I had been baptized at the age of 12 but due to the rape and my parent's divorce my life became a blur. There was a null and devoid feeling after that. Things slowly spun out of control. It wasn't until many years later I turned back to God. I turned to Him to listen...once again.

But first, one of the things that helped me get through was my passion to help and serve others. I wasn't volunteering just yet, but I had to give up on my dream to become a psychologist and attend college. I decided in high school to pursue a study in Dental and Medical Assisting. I loved and enjoyed this program but yet I was feeling lost. I don't remember much about my high school years but this program and how well I did. I won the local VICA award which represents the Vocational, Industrial Career Award. I was very proud of this. I did a presentation on the Sterilization Techniques of Medical Equipment. I went to the regional competition, but I felt so out of my element and off the course of my path I failed my tests. I was so proud of my mom's family and there chosen fields of medicine. But I had failed. I felt I didn't measure up. I gave up following my heart.

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In the Dark and Finding the Light

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt.

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A Journey Through the Mind of Schizophrenia

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