I am sitting here in the dark at my desk by the light of my lamp wondering and thinking about my path. My path with mental illness and in particular the obstacles I have experienced. Mental Illness is so difficult. It's difficult to grasp. It's difficult to understand and mostly it's difficult to live with. I wish I could sum it up quickly, shortly and with a depth of knowledge and understanding with simplicity. I like simplicity. That's my approach toward my appreciation of life. Simple things seem so rare. We live in such a devastated world and climate. Simplicity is the cornerstone to chaos. It provides an anchor or spectrum in which we can navigate the course. I like the simple things I find in nature like listening to the birds as they sing as I grow in curiosity of their message. I like watching them hunt and gather twigs and grasses they use to build their homes. I enjoy the rebirth of life after a winter's lull. I enjoy cool tiles beneath my feet on a hot summer day and children's laughter.
But what I can't see is the trouble and discourse found in mental illness. So much is taken for granted. I cannot comprehend how we have evolved to dismiss the factors of those suffering. And it's not just mental illness. The list could go on. But here I am becoming a proponent and advocate for not only myself but for all those suffering. It goes way far beyond me! We could reach the corners of the earth! We should be reaching the corners of the earth! But we don't. We barely reach our families. Mental illness is anything but simple. Life becomes unencumbered when we sympathize and display respect by a simple thing as listening to one another. It's a matter of taking interest in an authentic and real way. If we can't or don't show a simple thing as respect, how can we ever unload our package filled with shame, regret and remorse for the things we experience. Our package we have filled with the things called life. The burdens we carry. Our backpacks on our journeys. I have come across many blocks in my pathway as I navigate the steppingstones in my life. In particular for one my experience with mental illness. First of all, it was difficult to accept and believe. And these were due to my own thoughts and perspective. I still at times find this difficult mainly because of my losses which I'll go into later in the blog. Also, I have become paranoid or maybe I haven't when it comes to others' views of mental illness. Comedians and sometimes this includes those directly around me continue to make light of mental illness and its symptoms. I don't find it so funny. It hurts. It still hurts. Sometimes I think maybe I haven't healed enough to the point I can accept this? Should I accept this? Maybe I am not strong.
Secondly, my symptoms seemed as to never go away. I was frustrated. I felt so alone. I was scared. I felt like I was abandoned on a ship with a course headed for disaster. No one seemed to care. I think even my health professionals were frustrated with my situation! I was placed on many different medications on my course and journey. So many that I couldn't differentiate which medication was doing what to my body and mind. It was a chaotic experience. Boy, did it affect my mind and my mind was already distorted and in a state of constant confusion due to the symptoms of delusions, paranoia, hallucinations both audio and visual, racing thoughts, disorganized thinking and broken thought patterns. How could I possibly navigate my path? And then there's depression. I would have to deal with depression. Like my other symptoms were not enough!
Then! It's like I had no filter. Relationships were demolished. It felt like there was such a lack of understanding that others just assumed or viewed me as having to have some moral obligation to do or say the right things. To fit in like a cookie mold. Here comes the disorganized and broken thought patterns that affect what comes out of my mouth shining high and lighting up like a beacon. For all to see! Truly lack of acceptance on my part and others!
To sum this all up it takes a strong foundation and a bridge of faith to garner where we stand in a crisis. I have experienced and walked through troubled waters and found it takes a leap of action by many to mitigate all that is involved with a diagnosis of a mental illness.
My hope is each one of us will become informed, will become knowledgeable, educated and be open to the factors that arise when symptoms are displayed by someone diagnosed with a mental illness...any mental illness.
Let's reach high. I mean very high for one another. May we each be like a star in the night advocating for each other on this journey called life.
2 Samuel 22:2
...the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. NIV
Lyrics
His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
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