Summer of 1999

The summer of torture and terror. The spring of this year had been filled with good moments. I picked up pencils and never put them down. I was drawing but yet confused about what I was going through or better yet...what I was not going through. In fact, I was doing well enough that I went back to work for a short time. But this didn't last. It didn't make sense. I thought nothing was wrong! Then one day I heard voices. The voices got worse. They erupted in the most negative way! They filled me with great feelings of negativity. They filled me with feelings of pessimism, they filled me with fear, and I ran scared inside. They took control and charge over my mind. I knew this was not natural at least for a healthy mind. Little did I know this was an imbalance in the mind brought on by an imbalance in the brain...an imbalance in the chemicals. It only got worse. The fear enveloped me to a torture in my mind leading by terror. I couldn't understand what was going on. Many days I literally ran! Not for exercise or to grasp healthiness but because I was afraid. I didn't want to be alone. I made excuses to be around people. Just making trips to the grocery store alone helped because I was around other people. I would hide in fear while visiting family or friends. But I wouldn't tell them. I would go anywhere to avoid feeling and recognizing what was going on in my mind! The voices and terror had won. I ran for safety, I ran to turn the voices off, I ran for security. I just ran.

The voices just grew. They became threatening. They said things that frightened me. It was like a horror movie I couldn't shut off. I could not just walk away from this! I could not shut this off! There was one week I didn't sleep. I did not sleep the entire week. I ate very little. I was alone, afraid and felt weak. Then one day I faced the fear. My knowledge grew to the point I knew I needed help. The terror and fear chased me to my Doc. I ran to my psychiatrist because I wanted it to stop. He gave me medication, but it did not help. He continued to try different medication and finally we found one that subdued the voices. Mind you, they did not completely go away. It began to make it a little more manageable. I was dating a man during this time of spring and summer and as early as the previous winter. One day he told me I didn't need medicine. Little did he know. That's how well I hid it.

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In the Dark and Finding the Light

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A Journey Through the Mind of Schizophrenia

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