A Journey Through the Mind of Schizophrenia

    My teenage years were mostly filled with suffering, but I had a few good memories in the mix of all the emotion and what began to lead to emptiness. As a child and leading into my teenage years I discovered something inside myself that led to a dream of direction and purpose throughout my life but yet never was able to fulfill. I still don't know the meaning behind this unfulfilled dream. I found a passion and an energy for wanting to help others. To give and to serve. I learned and was given this gift from my mom's family. The Lehmans. A gift from God to follow the path of Christ. Throughout my childhood and up to adulthood our family had a Better Homes and Garden Family Medical Guide. This was one of my favorite books. The book was filled with basic medical knowledge i.e., the anatomy of the human body, first aid features, the psychology behind the human mind and emotion and keeping it all running smoothly. I loved this book! I loved studying all these topics. But what I

   During the spring of 1999 which was after my first hospitalization was pivotal for me. The first month or so I took the opportunity to relax. I was excused from work by my psychiatrist and took advantage of it. I needed the rest. I was not diagnosed at this point. There was concern but no one knew exactly what was going on. I was still oblivious; however, I was not frightened...yet. One day while sitting on my sofa in my walk-out basement apartment I was looking out over the backyard taking in the views. After a time of sitting there the noon sun had moved toward the west bringing in the afternoon. I had a very large floating mirror hanging by the double-glass doorway which I had placed there strategically to catch the sun and lighten up my living room. A little trick by decorators. As I was sitting there the beveled edge of the mirror caught the afternoon sun in such a way that it reflected and dispersed this beautiful and colorful light. It sent the colors into the living room in

                 These are lyrics to a song that represent what I have felt through the turmoil. Firm Foundation (He Won't) by Cody Carnes Christ is my firm foundation The rock on which I stand When everything around me is shaken I've never been more glad That I put my faith in Jesus 'Cause He's never let me down He's faithful through generations So why would He fail now? He Won't He Won't I've still got joy in chaos I've got peace that makes no sense I won't be going under I'm not held by my own strength 'Cause I've built my own life on Jesus  He's never let me down He's faithful in every season So why would He fail now? He Won't He Won't He won't fail He won't fail Rain came and wind blew But my house was built on you I'm safe with you I'm going to make it through

    There were so many good memories of childhood I can't resist sharing. I think I was in 3rd grade when I made my most memorable Bird Book. I loved this book! My class was instructed to create a book about birds. I think each student was given the same format for the book but were given freedom to choose the type of bird we would write about. I chose a Robin because they were so prevalent in my family's yard. I wrote about how the Robin's ate worms for food, that they built nests to live in and that they lived in trees. They also had a beautiful song and then I drew and colored my Robin on each page. I continue to love birds through present day feeding and watching birds while using my Audubon books while in the backyard and on occasional walks in various settings. I always have my binoculars on the ready. I also keep a life list of the birds I have spotted. My first book, my first real attempt at creating artwork and the beginnings of a passion that I still enjoy!    I l

    This is just a glimpse into my early childhood. The formative years. A time of family fun. When I was born, we lived on my dad's family dairy farm. I think I was about 2 years old when we moved and then my dad became a truck driver. But because the farm remained in my dad's family, we would often go back to visit my aunt, uncle and cousins. My dad came from a family of 6 brothers and sisters. During our visits I had many fond and warm memories of our times spent there during summer. One of my very first memories was getting out of my family's car and coming face to face...literally...with a St. Bernard dog! I may have been about 6 years old. Because my dad was standing nearby that is the only reason I did not jump back into the car! That dog seemed to loom over me! Although he was a good dog showing absolutely no signs of aggression, I was afraid and apprehensive around him. I remember he barked once, and I jumped!  Actually, I avoided him every chance I could. I would

    Years ago, I lived in a tiny one-bedroom basement apartment. It was situated off a very busy road and it was a hidden gem. I loved it not so much for the charm of the apartment which needed some updates but because of its backyard view! Just outside my double glass doors lied an oasis, a haven and a slice of the Garden of Eden as I imagine it to be. The 3-apartment house was surrounded by the top yard. It's what lied below that caught my breath. The bottom yard was scattered with old growth trees of different and varied evergreen and shady deciduous types. When I walked out my doors, I first came to a rather steep and long hill covered in pachysandra with a winding path of steps made from stone leading to the bottom grassy yard where a large frog pond lay. Beyond the pond was a shallow creek running the length of the yard and on toward the neighboring farm. The creek was filled with beautiful rocks and stones allowing the water to trickle through making music to the ear. Beyond

    As a child I experienced something that I hold dear to my heart that very few people know about including my family. My mother was nearby but didn't realize what had happened. I was about the age of 10 years old when I experienced the following.     It was Saturday, and it was early spring. I awoke to a very beautiful and sunny morning. After breakfast I felt led to take my Bible and go across the small creek along the boundary of our yard. Coming from a family of 9 we had 2 very large gardens. The gardens were separated by our gardening shed which was nestled in a grove of pine trees and beside a fruit orchard. My mom was already working in the back garden pulling the weeds around the young plants. As I passed my mom working the garden, I remember thinking how excited I was to go across the creek and read my bible. I found the spot where we always entered the creek to play and climbed up to the other side. This was near our treehouse. The creek was shallow with the exception o

    It was March in the year 1999 and to continue on the story of my first hospital stay I reluctantly cooperated with my family's advice and checked in to a nearby hospital, after all I was missing work without a justifiable cause, and I didn't want to lose my job. My Dad took care of the entire process of admission. I was hurt, upset and angry inside. I was upset from the admission process up until my release. I didn't understand what was happening. I was so upset I was thrown totally off course from my life. I didn't ask questions or advocate for myself very well...actually not at all and there were no explanations. My hospital stay would be for one week which I eventually found out from the Psychiatrist on staff. He saw each patient once a day. I found myself on a hospital floor with bars on the windows. I was appalled. I felt like a caged animal. Only the patients who smoked were given the privilege to go outside. I was not use to this. At home my daily schedule wa

 I know my thoughts seem crazy. Some may think out of line. But it's important to remain honest here. To not only keep respectability but to admire one another's progress in the understanding and advocacy of not only mental illness but in also the platform and arena of personal growth and the dominion we have over ourselves and those around us. The lives we touch every day. The influences we take for granted. I know at times it can be a bit over-whelming and sometimes we make a spectacle of things. We have a way of tormenting ourselves. I encourage you to leave a comment here or there to generate thought, to generate perception and bring about a discussion of our understanding and misunderstanding. I am always open to questions and will respond in the very best of way I know and understand. The subtleties and nuances of our lives don't always allow or give us the freedom to express ourselves in a manner in which we want but at times we try to conform to what we think we sho

  Dear God, I know that I am not always present with you and sometimes not very available...especially lately. But I believe you know what is on my heart. I don't always know what to say and it gets all awkward at times. I guess what I'd like to say is I get so tired of all the suffering and not only for me. This goes way beyond me. I hate what I see in this world. The disparaging remarks upon one another, the violence, the hate and the times we don't take to understand. I know I cannot expect perfection in this life. Quite frankly I don't know how I would respond to it. It would be so out of the norm of what I am used to. But I am hoping you are listening right this moment and I 'd like to ask for your intervention. Intervention on our behalf. To shed your light and your ways upon the lives you seek and on the lives of those who follow. I think sometimes we try so hard, but our brokenness gets in the way. We are not always so resilient. We fall. We make mistakes.

  So, there I was confronted by family members which by the way, ended up in a shouting match! Ok...maybe this was one-sided...my side. I felt confused, alone and cornered. I didn't understand. I did not tolerate their suggestion very well. After all, I was doing fine or so I thought. I was working full time. I was taking care of my wellness. I was exercising on a regular basis at the gym and running. I was cooking for myself. I was taking care of the home I had created. I was feeling the best I had ever felt. I was fit...physically. But I didn't connect the dots. I didn't see my isolation; I did not see the betrayal of my mind. I didn't see anything wrong with not showing up for work 3 days in a row unaccounted. Later, as I tried to recollect the happenings, I remembered my supervisor calling me and asking me if I was coming to work? I simply said to him, "yes...I'm sitting here waiting to go to work." I still don't clearly know what happened that mor

 Hearing voices has had a very profound effect on me. You are persuaded and yet then manipulated by the very sound. The very presence, idea and thought of someone else speaking in your mind! Speaking for your mind! It's scary, frightening and yet all at the same time you somehow feel comforted. Sometimes you feel like you found a friend. Other times you awake to your worst enemy. The very first voice I heard was of somebody in an authority position in my life. Someone I worked for and respected. Someone who was kind, gentle and reminded me of Dad. His voice was calming and soothing and made me smile. He was very well-loved by many. I used to hum a tune to myself while working. It helped pass time. I typically have a sunny disposition toward life and live with a carefree approach. Anyway, one evening at work I was humming to myself when I stopped to perform a task. When my humming stopped, I heard a voice...a whisper say, "Don't stop. Keep singing." I turned to find n

It fell upon me. The darkness. The delusions. The voices. Slowly. Cunningly. I didn't realize it...somehow, I just thought I was special. That God only spoke to me ! The grandiosity of it all made me feel not only special but the perks of having Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorder caused a flight of feelings like no other. It made me feel free, unconcerned, creative and powerful...and then I would hide away. Embarrassed, ashamed, empty and depleted. It's like a reserve of these feelings were percolating inside...just waiting, ready...to erupt.