A Journey Through the Mind of Schizophrenia

There are times I want to say and do and feel so much but it seems as though time is the obstacle. It becomes paralyzing to the degree of uncertainty. The hopes and dreams that have shattered may have become crushed, but I know deep in my heart they will arise once again. To be reviewed, to be accepted to be appointed in a way that will make a forever difference. To make a statement. A point that irrevocably stands the test of time. Sometimes I sit here and think if Jesus were here what would he do? He puts on such a commanding performance. Sit and think about it. How would you go about grabbing one's attention? How do you instill thought, promote wellness and contrive to a conviction that erases all mistake, unnormalacy and yet pertain to love in a measure that produces strength...in number? Is it merely in a smile? A touch? Or is it in fanfare or the ability to produce hope? I am not claiming to have the answers. That is not my portion. God is here. He is solid. He does stand upo...

So, have you questioned or figured out the firefly's solution? It's the release. It's in the release. Not to be held in a jar or under glass for examination but to be released with freedom. This message can be taken a couple of ways. Freedom from living in a glass house or freedom from judgement, unacceptance and pursuance at all costs.  Oh, and by the way, a firefly has a little beacon all its own...   

  No Turning Back by Brandon Heath

    This is an example and evidence of how I feel God was preparing me for a life in Medicine. When I was maybe about 7 years old, we had a stray cat that took up home in our yard and garage. It turned out she was pregnant. My dad created a place for her to birth her kittens by piling up grass clippings into our grass catcher in the garage for her. It worked! She stayed and gave birth exactly where we intended (or where she intended). Eventually, as the kittens got older, we were able to play with them. I loved this! I adored watching the momma cat and her newborns. One day after a few weeks my dad sad we could take the kittens outside and play with them and allowing them to explore. Two of my brothers and a sister and I were there with our mom watching nearby. After playing awhile I began to observe something. In my own analytical mind. The momma cat caught my eye. She was standing off in the distance but yet nearby. Just like my mom. I couldn't help but notice how she appear...

    I slowly and eventually turned from God. The pattern of my life grew ill, dim and filled with sorrow. I think depression set in. My spiritual walk was no more. I turned but Christ held on. One day I rebelled and walked away for good. One broken heart after the next began. I had been baptized at the age of 12 but due to the rape and my parent's divorce my life became a blur. There was a null and devoid feeling after that. Things slowly spun out of control. It wasn't until many years later I turned back to God. I turned to Him to listen...once again.    But first, one of the things that helped me get through was my passion to help and serve others. I wasn't volunteering just yet, but I had to give up on my dream to become a psychologist and attend college. I decided in high school to pursue a study in Dental and Medical Assisting. I loved and enjoyed this program but yet I was feeling lost. I don't remember much about my high school years but this program and how w...

  Open the door for Christ.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it's pointless. (You've been lead astray)

  These voices. They impede progress. They get in the way. They defy the odds of my commands. They defy the medicine! I spend time trying to reason, trying to quell, trying to advocate to God my need for silence but they don't stop. They don't go away. Apparently, God sees more value in these voices then I ever have. What is his plan?  

  :    133    Direct my footsteps according to your word. My interest in psychology took me at first to want to pursue a path specializing in child psychology but this somehow didn't feel right. I didn't see myself as a clinical psychologist. It wasn't until one day I found myself in the local college library when I found my path. I purchased about an 1" thick book filled with nothing but careers in the field of psychology. I felt right away this was it. This was going to direct me! I took it home and read through the pages right away. After reading and studying each varying degree of the field of psychology is when I turned a page, and something jumped out at me. I read a description titled Industrial/Organizational Psychology. The description fascinated me because I knew right away this was the one. It used all my talents! It listed the abilities to use art, design and decorating to improve the work environment for higher and increased productivity. To have th...

  This was the fall of when I fell. My very darkest hour. After some amount of management over the voices I still was not well. My psychiatrist had excused me from work to find rest. But for some reason I still ran for safety. I found safety from this illness by another boss and the HR director at work. I had tremendous amount of respect for both of them. I respected them because they had shown kindness to me. The HR director had taken interest in me because he saw something in me that was special. He saw my gifts and talents. I had applied for classes at the local college, and he seemed to like what I was finding. I had discovered my passion to pursue something unexpected.  

    The summer of torture and terror. The spring of this year had been filled with good moments. I picked up pencils and never put them down. I was drawing but yet confused about what I was going through or better yet...what I was not going through. In fact, I was doing well enough that I went back to work for a short time. But this didn't last. It didn't make sense. I thought nothing was wrong! Then one day I heard voices. The voices got worse. They erupted in the most negative way! They filled me with great feelings of negativity. They filled me with feelings of pessimism, they filled me with fear, and I ran scared inside. They took control and charge over my mind. I knew this was not natural at least for a healthy mind. Little did I know this was an imbalance in the mind brought on by an imbalance in the brain...an imbalance in the chemicals. It only got worse. The fear enveloped me to a torture in my mind leading by terror. I couldn't understand what was going on. Many...

  There was a time it was not well.

                                                                   If You Catch a Firefly By Lilian Moore If you catch a firefly  and keep it in a jar You may find that you have lost A tiny star. If you let it go then, back into the night, You may see it once again Star bright.

    This post is more difficult to write because of the events of my life during the time of my teenage years. The middle years. The years when I experienced my first broken heart.    As I had mentioned in an earlier post about my formative years and how my family played baseball together on Sunday evenings, I will never forget how my parents tried to surround us with the dynamics of a healthy lifestyle by spending time in play with us, demonstrating love for us in small ways, feeding us good wholesome foods from our gardens and trying to be present and available to us in the best way they knew how considering the size of our family. It was in those moments spending time together as a family I felt loved and accepted. I found and discovered the importance of the healthy attributes of teamwork and leadership, of helping one another and fortitude of supporting one another in our failures and weakness.    To continue our family played baseball together. My dad...

    I am sitting here in the dark at my desk by the light of my lamp wondering and thinking about my path. My path with mental illness and in particular the obstacles I have experienced. Mental Illness is so difficult. It's difficult to grasp. It's difficult to understand and mostly it's difficult to live with. I wish I could sum it up quickly, shortly and with a depth of knowledge and understanding with simplicity. I like simplicity. That's my approach toward my appreciation of life. Simple things seem so rare. We live in such a devastated world and climate. Simplicity is the cornerstone to chaos. It provides an anchor or spectrum in which we can navigate the course. I like the simple things I find in nature like listening to the birds as they sing as I grow in curiosity of their message. I like watching them hunt and gather twigs and grasses they use to build their homes. I enjoy the rebirth of life after a winter's lull. I enjoy cool tiles beneath my feet on a ho...